A Guide on Girls
by annonymouss
Summary: WARNING: There is a 50% chance of getting a girlfriend; the other 50% will get you beat up in a horrible way. *Finnick Odair is not responsible for any deaths, castrations or murders because of this product. There will be no refund*
1. How to Get a Girl to Notice You

Author's Note: This is a guide and a parody; characters are purposely OOC. FLAME ON!  
>This isn't my normal writing style, but I'll give it a try... Hope you like it! Once again, this is a parody, so it's supposed to be stupid, yet interesting (there are actually - obvious - tips in here).<p>

Warning: Rated T for _swearing_ and certain scenes (which _suck_); contains _lame_ jokes and - _hopefully_ - tips on how to get yourself a _girlfriend_. It is also incredibly _stupid_. Read on...  
>Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own the Hunger Games. In the future I'll create my own trilogy, though...<p>

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><p><strong>-A Guide on Girls-<br>*Tips*  
>B<strong>**y: Finnick Odair**

_Introduction: This is pure genius!_

I have made a recent discovery! Yes, this piece of beauty must be shared with everyone tonight—oh, wait, you're reading this! Finally, my artwork has made it's appearance! Perfect…

_Words From the Author: _Hello, gentleman! My name is Finnick Odair—the one and only—victor of the 65th Hunger Games! And yes, I am here—always will be—to give you advice on *drumroll*: Girls!

Yes, that is right! What really goes on through the female mind? It's a mystery. All of you poor suckers _(not really)_ will get advice from the king_ (*cough* more like peasant)_ of flirting! So, grab a seat and read this guide I am about to give you…_ (Give you? Oh, wow)_

_WARNING_: There is a 50% chance of getting a girlfriend; the other 50% will get your ass kicked by her in a horrible way. If you're a lady, then go away (there is not a guide anywhere you have mistakenly stumbled upon this). *Finnick Odair is not responsible for any castrations, deaths, burns, lack of intelligence or murders of men because of this product. This guide has been safely tested on Peeta Mellark, Haymitch, Gale Hawthorne and Finnick himself. There will be no refund*

**Thank you for buying this guide which costs $999.99!  
><strong>_-You opened part one and began to read it out loud-  
><em>**Part One: How to get a girl to notice you.**

_Girls are like fish. The big ones are tasty (sharks included), the smaller ones hide, and there's plenty in the sea... But which one do you want to eat?_

_Girls are different; it's hard to know what's going on through her mind. It all depends on what she looks for in a boy (such as carnivores and their prey). Notice the way she looks at you - that is, if she actually looks at you._

_Think about it: why do you like her in the first place?_

_Don't be a man whore or a perv. Most chicks DON'T dig that (unless they're sluts)_

_The good boy method is soo last year! Girls want someone who's fun, wild and willing to be...mysterious. We are movies to them; there's a beginning, a middle, and hopefully, she'll want more at the end! There's got to be suspense, action, and - of course - romance. Hell, even throw in some horror for your delight!_

**Tip #1: Insult her, insult her, insult her then compliment her.**  
><em>Actors used: Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen.<em>

"Yo, dumbass, get your freaking butt in here you little bitch!"

"Excuse me?" Katniss stared at Peeta, her expression priceless.

"Yeah, you heard me, Cat Nip," Peeta examined her face. "God, you look like a freaking monkey—no wonder why Gale thought you were ugly as hell!"

Katniss was shocked. "W-What? Monkey? Gale thought I was ugly as hell?"

Peeta snickered, "Hell yeah he did, Cat Nip. Hey, make yourself useful and get me some cake!"

"But I don't want to get you any stupid piece of cake…"

"You're so stupid! You freaking smell like garbage, you freaking bitch! Get your hippo-ass up and get Papa what he wants, Sweaty."

The grey-eyed lady shouted in bewilderment, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU FREAKING DOUCHE BAG! HOW COULD YOU TREAT ME AND CALL ME NAMES LIKE THIS? I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL!" Katniss threw a tantrum, stomping her feet on the ground, angered; she started charging, so he can punch her, but then, Peeta said something that stopped her:

"Wow, you're so beautiful when you want to rip me apart; and sexy when you're feisty." As Katniss stopped, Peeta kissed her hand, smiling at her.

"Oh, Peeta, that is so sweet of you—"

"Where's my cake?"

"Oh, right, going to get it right now! Oh, and Peeta... I love you!"

_**Pros: She'll be drawn to you (look above)  
>Cons: If Katniss wasn't acting, she would've beat the shit out of Peeta (which can happen to you)<strong>_

_**Tip #2: Be unpredictable.  
><strong>__Actors used: Effie Trinklet and Haymitch._

"So, where are you going today?"

"The Bar."

_That figures…_

-Next Day-

"So, where are you going today?"

"I'm going to play golf."

_Wow, that was unexpected…_

-Next Day-

"So, where are you going today?"

"I'm going to watch Panem's Top Model and watch them get naked,"

"They won't get naked…"

"Then it looks like I'm going to the Justin Bieber concert!"

_Only real men watch Justin Bieber! Is it just me, or is he getting hotter?"_

-Next Day-

"So, where are you going today?"

"In your pants…"

_Oh, wow..._

**Pros: She'll think your mysterious and unpredictable, which is a good thing.  
>Cons: You'll end up getting a stripper pregnantJustin Bieber will fall in love with you.**

**Tip #3: Pretend that you don't care.  
><strong>_Actors used: Gale Hawthorne and Madge Undersee._

"Sorry, Madge, but I can't do anything about it! I'm busy, okay?"

"You don't care about me!" Madge cried, "We're over Gale Hawthorne!" And with that, she ran away…

"No, wait, Madge, come back! I LOVE YOU! I DO CARE - "

"Oh, so you lied to me?"

"..."

**Pros: She'll become obsessed with you.  
>Cons: She'll end up falling in love with your rival or beat the shit out of you. Again.<strong>

**Tip #4: If she's Katniss, make sure you use a pickup line that's related to her…  
><strong>_Actors used: Gale Hawthorne and Katniss Everdeen_

"Hey, Katniss."

"Hi Gale. What'cha doing here?"

"I just came here to see the girl on fire... Damn, she's smoking hot!" Gale winked at Katniss, giving her a grin.

She looked at him in disgust. "Gale, you're a failure at pickup lines. This is why I chose Peeta over you..."

"Oh, then what about this: You have burned me - "

"Fail."

"You're hot - and it's just not 'cause you're the girl on fire - "

"Overused and retarded."

"You so smoking - "

"Already said that."

"Girl you - "

"Get a life."

***Pros and Cons may vary; this girl is unpredictable***

**Tip #5: ...If it's Johanna, make sure you don't scare her to death...  
><strong>_Example One:_

"Oww!" He cried, his knee bleeding like heck. The boy looked up, staring at a brown-eyed girl who was rushing to him, bending down.

"What happened?" she asked.

"I-I fell for you!"

"What?"

"I have fallen for you!" And with that, Johanna started punching the s*** out of him.

_Example Two: _

"WHAT THE F*** YOU B****! *** *** *******! S***, SCREW YOU D*******! DO YOU THAT I ALMOST GOT A F****** S***** HEARTATTACK YOU D*******? I'M GOING TO F****** KILL THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR F****** D******! YOU'RE SUCH A P****, B****A**! I'M GOING TO SKEWER THE F****** S*** OUT OF YOUR F****** FACE! WHERE IS MY F***** B***** AXE? Oh, there it is..."

Johanna started to punch on the _s*** _out of the poor boy, literally killing him with the axe...

_I week later..._

"Funeral..."

***Pros and Cons may vary; this girl is just as violent as Katniss***

**_Tip #6: _DON'T be yourself; be someone else!**  
><em>Actors used: ***actors vary***<em>

Peeta is a pathetic boy who was named after food. He's fat, and terribly stupid (he is BLONDE); he's weak...and fluffy. Very, very fluffy. In fact, he's poor. In order to get a super model to marry him, Peeta will pretend his name is Thor, who is a god. He'll take dance lessons so he can lose weight and life flour more; he'll have a chip implanted in his brain (if he has one). Then, he'll rob a bank...

Gale is perfect; he has muscles, fame and fortune, a brain and excellent hunting skills. 'DON'T be youself; be someone else!' This young man will pretend to be a hobo who is poor in order to marry Katniss Everdeen who is a snob and wants a guy with with muscles, fame and fortune, a brain and excellent huntings skills...

Haymitch is just retarded.

**Pros: You'll be a Peeta.  
>Cons: You'll be a Gale.<strong>

**Tip #7: Be good at everything.  
><strong>_Actors used: Finnick Odair_

Finnick is the best at dancing, singing, stripping, playing, and catching! He excels in weaving and burning himself; he's smart, and strong... Every girl likes him!

He's good at everything!

**Pros: You'll get the girl's attention.  
>Cons: Finnick will kill you.<strong>

**Tip #8: Be a Peeta... Not a Gale**

_-This scene has been removed for certain purposes-_

**Tip #9: Make Her Jealous  
><strong>_Actors used: Peeta, Katniss, Gale and Madge._

"Look, there she is...with him." Gale said with disgust, pointing at Peeta.

"Gale, I'm not sure if we should do this - "

"Come on, let's go..."

_**Additional tips (with no scenes):**_

_**- Be a Hunger Games victor**_

_**- Take her out to see Harry Potter**_

_**- Be an Iconic Boyz member (girls like boys who can dance)**_

_**- Be a sparkling vampire from Twilight**_

_**- Be attractive, but remember: You're not Tayler L.**_

_**- Jump off a hill**_

_**- Put a video of yourself on youtube**_

_**- Insult her cooking**_

_**- Be an animal**_

_**- Be Justin Bieber**_

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><p>You just read something incredibly stupid. :)<p> 


	2. What BOYS don't realize or know

Eh, sorry for the late update... Did not realize that this guide was becoming famous!

... And I went camping.

I would appreciate it if you guys read and review: _At the bar._

It's a GalexMadge fanfic - there's more to it than stripping and crap. PLEASE read and review! Wow, I sound desperate...but I'm serious...

I think you might fancy it ;)

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><p><strong>-A Guide on Girls-<br>****By: Finnick Odair**

**Thank you for buying this guide which costs $999.99!  
><strong>_-You opened part two and began to read it out loud-  
><em>**Part Two: What Boys Don't Realize**

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><p><strong>#1.) When a girl [Johanna Mason] sings "Peacock", she doesn't really want to see<em> your <em>peacock_..._**

"I want to see your peacock-cock-cock! Your peacock-cock! Your peacock-cock-cock...your peacock!" Johanna sang as she sharpened the tip of her axe. "Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock -?"

Smirking, Finnick joined in: "I'll show you my peacock if you show me your zebra-bra..." He winked at her, unzipping his pants.

"What? No way, pervert." Johanna gave him a threatening look, raising her axe.

"Fine. Then show me your octopus! Octopus-pus-pus! Your octo - pus!"

**#2.) If you _really_ call a girl _beautiful_, she'll think you're "decent" - in fact, this is the best way to get her. Being beautiful is better than being hot...**

"Katniss, I want you to know that you're my everything! You're more than hot, sexy, or gorgeous... You're beautiful - no, _perfect_." Peeta said as he caressed Katniss' cheeks while looking under the stars.

Smiling, Katniss kissed his lips.

**#3.) Effie T. (and probably a lot of girls) hates boys with bad hygiene. So put on deodorant and chip those nails!**

Effie stiffened her nose as Haymitch drank like the sober he was. He smelled like crap, and didn't even bother to put on deodorant that very moment; he smelled like a skunk and he wore the exact same clothes to the Reaping.

... He lost it...

"You smell like shit. Put on a new shirt!"

...

"Where is he?" Katniss asked herself as she waited for Gale.

"I'm here!" said a low voice. As he walked up to hug Katniss, the young girl smelled his armpits by accident...

**#4.) Guitarists are sexy. 'Nuff said.**

"! Ah,fangirlscreech!" a girl cried out as Finnick started strumming his new guitar. "AhFinnickmarryme!You'resofineIloveyou!"

"Sorry, girl, but get back in line!" Annie shouted from the window, "He's mine!"

"You wish!" said the girl again.

"...Since when did he get so...sexy?" Asked Johanna as she put the axe back on the floor.

"Girl, he is my boyfriend get your skinny butt out of here right now you hear me?"

**#5.) When a girl says: "Nothing's wrong..." EVERYTHING is wrong. Just listen to her but don't give any advice. Grab her close and comfort her.**

Prim cries, "Please, just go... Nothing's wrong..." she wipes away her tears and tries to smile.

"No, something is wrong..." he sat down next to her, doing nothing except listening. "Everything's going to be okay..."

**#6.) Girls love it when you say her name.**

"Say my name!"

"...Johanna - "

"Say it louder!"

"Johanna!" Finnick screamed at the top of his lungs.

Smirking, Johanna let him go and stopped strangling him. "That'll teach you not to mess with me. Ah, I love it when they say my name!"

**#7.) Girls will never say "I love you" unless _you _say it first...but that doesn't mean she won't stop from screaming it in her heart.**

"I love you - "

"Finally! Do you know how fucking long I've been waiting for you to say those words Gale? Oh, the fuckery!"

"So...do you love me too?"

"Of course I mother fucking love your fucking self you fucking retard! I love you more than your mother fucking mother! Goddamn, I'm so fucking happy right now! I love you!"

And then she starts kissing him.

**#8.) Girls absolute HATE IT when you can't keep a promise.**

"What the hell! You promised!" yelled Effie at the top of her lungs. Angry, she stomped her feet and snarled at him.

"I'm sorry, babe, but I had more important things to do than - "

All hell broke loose as Haymitch started screaming like a little girl as Effie started strangling him.

**#9.) Every girl dreams about her "special someone" during one point in her life, even if they are tomboys. In fact, it'll most likely be about her wedding - include the dress.**

Smiling, Prim put on her mom's wedding dress; yes, it was big, so she decided to trim it down a bit. Silently and trying not to giggle, she cleaned up the room and filled the floor with flowers and roses and petals. She put a primrose flower in her hair, thinking about her crush.

"Yes, I do - "

"Prim, what are you doing?" She turned around in shock, staring face-to-face with the boy she was thinking of. His eyes flickered and the sun was shining through the window, making it brighter. Prim blushed a deep shade of red, unable to speak.

**#10.) Unless she's a slut, girls HATE players.**

-This scene has been removed for certain purposes such as violence-

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><p><strong>-Extra stuff-<strong>

_Singers are sexy_

_Girls don't like it when you fart_

_Unless they're shy, girls talk about EVERYTHING with their friends. In other words: she talks about you a lot._

_Remember: sense of humor. Girls LOVE guys who're funny!_

_Girls HATE it when you make fun of Harry Potter _

_Only make fun of Justin Bieber if she hates him_

_Learn how to dance_

_Do stuff for her, but don't be her personal slave_

_A kiss on the hand with the right timing can be a REAL TURN-ON...unless she beats you up_

_Girls hate cocky guys who only talk about how hot they are...don't be too confident_

_When a guy says or does something sentimental, they'll remember it for a very long time._

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><p>Next time: what GIRLS don't realize.<p> 


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